You might often hear the term trauma bond commonly associated with abusive relationships. Or often wonder why you keep wanting to go back no matter how bad the abuse gets. This is when the trauma bond is activated.
Trauma bonding begins when you have been built up by the narcissist and feel that you are adored, to then be deeply crushed, hurt and let down. You then start to crave the attention you once had, wondering when it will return. As such, when you receive the attention, validation or acknowledgement from the narcissist once again, it provides a huge sense of relief. It creates a dependency where you crave the closeness you had at the beginning of the relationship. As such you stay and return and persevere, desperately wanting what you had at the beginning of the relationship. It becomes almost like an addiction and in a way it is. When the narcissist in your life returns to the love bombing stage, or gives you gifts again, or things go back to how they were in the beginning, you get an instant dopamine hit. So, in a way you are chasing this dopamine high. In addition to this, if the physical intimacy or affection returns (albeit for a brief period) there is an increase in the hormone oxytocin (the feel-good hormone).
From the outside looking in, others might start to notice the toxic behaviours and the extreme highs and lows of the relationship. However, for you, you’re able to explain away different situations and arguments, you feel that you know your partner best and start to justify their behaviours.
You feel completely and utterly connected to them in a way you’ve never felt in any other relationship. It feels extremely intense, as if you couldn’t live without them. Well, that’s exactly what the narcissist has created, a situation/relationship where you feel you can’t survive without them. This is the trauma bond.
The narcissist has trained you to become forgiving of any of their behaviours, and helplessly tied to them. Oftentimes there will be more complex ties such as financial ties, a house, marriage or children. These commitments most likely happened in the love bombing stages of the relationship, and when you do start to recognise their behaviours, you feel unable to leave.
It’s basically an extremely tumultuous emotional cycle of positive reinforcements, and then dyer depressive, hollow lows. Yet even after the relationship has ended the trauma bond is often still so prominent and strong in nature, that future or potential relationships don’t even compare, as you don’t feel as ‘connected’ or don’t feel that dopamine high you did when things were amazing with the narcissist.
Breaking the Trauma Bond
The trauma bond is something that is strengthened throughout the relationship and is often something that can linger for months if not years after the relationship has ended. The trauma bond can often make us feel the need to contact the narcissist, to reach out, to try and make things work again. You will often compare them to other, newer relationships, as there doesn’t seem to be the same spark as you had with the narcissist. This is because you were chasing the highs in this relationship, the entire foundation of the relationship is built on chasing, seeking and craving the want and need to be loved. Even though this love was only given to you on conditional bases, or in dribs and drabs.
To remove the trauma bond, you need to go no contact, if possible, remember to remain NEUTRAL and BORING when interacting with the narcissist. Seek out support, therapy, services, educate yourself. Try everything on the Overcoming Narcissistic Abuse sheet we have created for you here.
We hope you found this post helpful. As always, we welcome any feedback.
Take care,
A
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