What is Stonewalling?

Stone walling – to describe the term simply – when someone intentionally ignores you or shuts you out.

This tactic is a toxic trait and is often seen in abusive relationships and most commonly from narcissists. It’s a technique that can often go under the radar and is really difficult to evidence or pinpoint after the stonewalling period has passed.  

I think it’s important to differentiate between stonewalling and someone just needing time and space, or even someone going into FREEZE mode, unintentionally hurting their partner. 

STONEWALLING – purposefully ignoring someone, cutting them off, avoiding conversation, giving one-word answers, not explaining why, and not being able to reflect on it afterwards. Often refusing to acknowledge that there was any silent treatment at all. 

SPACE AND TIME – when someone is overwhelmed, overstimulated, or exhausted for example, and they simply need time for themselves and away from others. This is different to stonewalling as the individual is able to express this either before or after they have become quiet. 

FREEZE mode – we all have natural bodily reactions when we are stressed or triggered, this is known as the FLIGHT, FIGHT, FREEZE or FAWN responses. When someone is stressed, or triggered and their defence mechanism is to instinctively shut down, this can often look like stonewalling. The difference is, they are unknowingly shutting their partner out, and/or unwillingly doing it. They are able to possibly recognise after they have shut down, that they zoned out, or couldn’t talk, or felt overwhelmed etc. Again, the difference is communication. Often after the FREEZE period. 

STONEWALLING EXAMPLE 1 Sarah has been out with her friend for the day, she has really enjoyed herself and wants to tell her partner about it. She comes home and her partner appears to be really off with her. Sarah is confused because they haven’t had an argument, and before she left the house, he seemed reasonably okay with her. She tries asking what’s wrong and receives one-word answers, she tries talking about her day but again is met with cold silence, lack of eye contact, and her partner just continuing with what they are doing. This continues for hours, as a result Sarah is worried, wondering if she’s said or done something wrong, then also worrying if something has happened during the day that he doesn’t feel able to talk about. She spends these hours confused and stressed and in a state of anxiety. It’s not until later in the night her partner decides to come and sit with her and asks if she wants to watch a movie. She is confused and asks what the last few hours were about. He responds with confusion and says he doesn’t know what she is talking about he was just tired. She tries to talk about her day, but her partner sighs and asks if they can just watch a movie together, which they do. This becomes a regular occurrence in their relationship, where Sarah just resides to the fact that sometimes her partner gets tired, so doesn’t want to speak to her. This is not healthy and not okay; her partner is potentially stonewalling her. If we look at the bigger picture, Sarah had spent the day with her friend which her partner did not like, he wants to punish her, so chooses to ignore her when she gets in. He lets this continue for a few hours, until he sees fit, then asks if she wants to watch a movie (without talking), leaving Sarah confused, which is exactly what he wants. 

STONEWALLING EXAMPLE 2 Hannah has left her abusive relationship but unfortunately still has to see him as they have a child together. Often when her ex-partner drops their daughter off, he will not acknowledge Hannah’s presence or even respond to what she is saying or asking. Even though she is no longer in this relationship she still has the same feeling of anxiety, wondering if she has said or done something wrong, wondering why he is ignoring her, wondering what has changed since the last drop off when he was really chatty. 

TIME AND SPACE The following example is evidence of a healthy relationship where one partner needs time to themselves. Tia has had a really difficult day at work, she is completely overwhelmed and exhausted. On the way home she rings her partner to let her know that her social battery is completely drained and when she gets in, she needs some time to herself to recharge and rewind. Her partner is understanding of this and gives Tia this much needed space and rest when she returns home. Tia and her partner don’t speak for most of the night, but her partner Eva checks in on her to see if she is okay and if she needs anything. Tia is extremely grateful of this time and space, and for the check ins, thanking her partner, and arranging to spend quality time together the next night.  

THE DIFFERENCES between these examples are the first two are most likely stonewalling; they often come out of nowhere without communication, and when the silent treatment is finished, it’s not explained and not discussed. With the third example Tia expresses her needs, Eva listens and is able to help support her partner, this is not stonewalling.

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HOW DO I KNOW IF I’M BEING STONEWALLED OR IF MY PARTNER JUST STRUGGLES TO COMMUNICATE? 

This is a really common question, the important things to look out for are: 

• Can you address this issue with your partner?

• Can you ask them if there is any way you can support them, and do they respond appropriately? 

• Do they ever explain why they have gone quiet? Is there any after discussion? 
  

If you’re able to answer yes some of the above questions, this is a good start. It could be that your partner struggles to express their emotions and feelings and does want to understand and change. Being able to say to your partner: 

• It really upsets me when you suddenly ignore me or give one-word answers, is there anything we can do together to change this or work on this? 

• If you ever need space or time to yourself, do you think you would be able to talk to me about this?
  

Again, if your partner is able to answer yes to the above questions, and things do eventually change, and remain changed, chances are you’re not being stonewalled. However, if the answers are often no, or things are turned around on you such as: 

• I’m not being quiet I’m just tired. 

• You’re the one going on about this I don’t see an issue. 

• I never ignored you; I was just busy. 

• You always make an issue out of nothing. 

• I was only quiet because you were with your friend all day and didn’t think to talk to me or message me. 

• You’re so needy. 
  

The above responses are common from narcissists, they will make you believe you’re in the wrong or you’re imagining the situation. It’s also common for things to change in the short term, if the narcissist in your life realises the continuous stone walling is pushing you to leave the relationship, they may rein in the stonewalling and promise to change. However, it will start to slowly creep back in, and become a ‘normal’ part of your relationship. 

On our resources page you will soon find a crib sheet with the main points from this blog post, this includes signs to look out for, as well as a guide to the differences between stonewalling, freeze responses and someone just needing time and space. 

We hope you found this post helpful. As always, we welcome any feedback. 

Take care, 

A